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Rioting Heart

by Payphones

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1.
Back then I fell for a girl and in the back of the bus she said "I love you a lot but I can't love very much" She told me love is a process and in time it would be But I was all the more lonely when she stood next to me It remains that over and over, every night and every day That even though your eyes are glazed over, I fall into them anyway And our fingers were made With the spaces between, and Our bodies are longing for warmth It's my dream that The rest of my rioting heart will wither away Simple summer embrace me Feel the flush on my face Reacquaint me with movements that I had replaced I'll trace new scenes with my fingers New faces with my lips Try to see through their shrugs and decode their quips I wrote my love upon the wall there, sprawling words onto the floor Behind a bookshelf stacked with worlds that we don't visit anymore And I reach for a hand I can hold for a while They pull it away Brush it off, force a smile And the rest of my rioting heart will wither away So during snowy grey days, I'm at the end of the line Sitting next to you there, but in the back of my mind I know you don't long for me when you're sitting alone I'll stay cold through the night I'm in this on my own It remains that over and over This is the way that it will play That even though your eyes are glazed over, love I fall into them, over Over and over So I'll hold her real tightly and sink deep into them Envelop her nightly, here's hoping that through them The rest of my rioting heart will wither away So I'll hold her real tightly And sink deep into her And the rest of my rioting heart will decide That it's better for it not to stay And I hope that the last of my heart Will wither away
2.
Last Year 03:48
Would you speak more slowly? Say "I wish I knew her when..." Would you say something? God, I wish I knew him then You recall the promise That I would move mountains What a charming notion I remember back when I would do anything I would scrape and starve and With my body aching Scale the spiral stairwells Moving boxes of things Thinking it might help Maybe it could stop the shouting When you say its name it disappears Just like everything I've come to fear When I look at myself This time last year I'm becoming rotten I had taken pictures Of unaware perversions And had set reminders To avoid coercion Sew them into my cells Follow them to the letter But I don't feel better When you say its name it disappears Just like everything I've come to fear When I look at myself This time last year I'm becoming rotten When you say its name it becomes clear Festering and poisoning my ear It's slowly growing louder And after all these years I'll just keep rotting I'll just keep rotting I'll just keep rotting I'll just keep on rotting
3.
I can't escape it I'm catching what you keep When you're awake I can't sleep I can feel your worries creep in I can't escape it Despair will find a home Like a ghostly hand to hold Like very heavy load I know that I'm falling for you But I'm not sure that I can handle what you're falling into I can't escape it Can't let go of this hurt When the water's crisp and cool But you only taste the dirt I can't escape it It's the way the scene is spun When you wander into space And you can't see anyone I know that I'm falling for you But I'm not sure that I can handle what you're falling into And though every part of me aches The emptiness has been the only place I feel safe I know that I'm falling for you But I'm not sure that I can handle what you're falling into And though every part of me aches The emptiness has been the only place I feel safe I know that I'm falling for you But I'm not sure that I can handle what you're falling into And though every part of me aches The emptiness has been the only place I feel safe
4.
I tried so hard to say Anything else, to find The kind of love that I could Package in a shell, and Hope another day It'll grow out into Something I've lost That I can't seem to find again And I am sorry I am sorry If I could change it, I would change it I would change, so fast I tried so hard to find Anything else, to have the kind of life that would be Possible to sell So depend on me To withstand To leave behind a legacy A steady hand But I am sorry I am sorry If I could change it, I would change it I would change, so fast I tried so hard to be Anyone else, to be The type of person who could Handle this distress To feel less deeply to Always be well And as I blunder I'm left to wonder what I was meant for But I'm just sorry My body is an apology I'm a pendulum I can't untangle whats inside of me I am sorry Sorry If I could change it I would change it I would change And I am sorry Sorry And I can't remember a time I haven't been
5.
Empty Heart 03:19
Do you know where I have gone Do you know where I've been I have tried to save the world But I still felt empty I still wander through the empty streets And compliment the dark With my heavy leaded feet I still remain Still remain an empty heart The walls close in around me And my pulse begins to race I can feel the gnawing but it never leaves a trace Cells divide, and us, inside Are pulled farther away I couldn't see you if I tried so Maybe it's best that I stay Falling into nowhere Reaching out for someone out there Falling into nowhere When you're laughing next to me I cannot help but fly I glow with every hue in the Descending evening sky I feel fire in my gut Until the moment that we part And when I'm back inside my cell I still remain Still remain Falling into nowhere Reaching out for someone out there Falling into nowhere Do you know where I have gone Do you know where I've been I have tried to save the world But I still felt empty I still wander through the empty streets And compliment the dark With my heavy leaded feet I still remain Still remain an empty heart
6.
All There Is 04:11
Once I tried to find love but I drop the pretense How do you look for hope knowing only absence? And the bitterness is spinning Swirling ice above my head Crystallize into the figure lying next to mine in bed And I wonder Is this all there really is? Once I tried to find love but then I got too scared Finding the one for you is impossibly rare So if impossible it is then why waste life hoarding despair? Entertaining possibilities that were never even there And I wonder Is this all there really is? Is this all there is for me? Is this all there's gonna be? I am sequestered In my own right In my own head In my own life In my own bed On my own Once I tried to find home, but it felt like a cell I tried to sit still and smile but I ran like hell So I will take myself outside And diffuse into the sky Never to be held by anyone Unwise enough to try So I promise This is all there really is Is this all there is for me? Is this all there's gonna be? I am sequestered In my own right In my own head In my own life In my own bed On my own Is this all there is for me? Is this all there's gonna be? Is this all there is for me? Is this all there's gonna be? Is this all there is for me? Is this all there's gonna be? I am sequestered In my own right In my own head In my own life In my own bed On my own And this love is affection On my own tongue In my own blood In my own lungs Taking control Of my own
7.
Falling Falling Falling Keep on taking photographs And keep on dropping names Keep on speaking round the point And charging by the frame Surely when the world can see you'll Play your sickly game again But I'm not falling for another ghost Keep on sending messages And wearing yourself thin Keep on varying the places I see you again Keep on searching high and low For a familiar grin But I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost Keep on trying to camouflage And placing yourself right Keep trying to be the one I come across at night Keep on crying out Hoping it'll reach my ear But I'm not falling for another ghost, my dear I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost Try until you're good and tired to pull and hold me close Til my soul expires, I'm not falling for a ghost, no Keep your somber souvenirs, it's you who'll need them most, 'cause I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost I'm not falling for another ghost No, I'm not Falling No, not again For another ghost Falling Falling Falling
8.
I've been dreaming a lot these days of Taking busses and aeroplanes and I've been writing down everything so I don't get lost in the aerospace again I've been feeling like There is no place worth going to Nowhere is closer to you I've been walking through my memories Seeing what once would compel me, but My thoughts can't help but linger round The overwhelming space between my body and the ground I've been feeling like There is no place worth going to Nowhere is closer to you I've been feeling like There is no place worth going to Nowhere is closer to you I've been wandering out real late Hoping that we'll both get home safe I've been carrying on despite Feeling chills in my blood at night I've been feeling like There is no place worth going to Nowhere is closer to you I've been feeling like There is no place worth going to Nowhere is closer to you Nowhere is closer to you

about

Payphones's debut album Rioting Heart invites the listener into the visceral twists and turns of a healing journey - from the depths of pain and resignation, to awareness, openness, and loving connection to others.

Written over the last 10 years by frontperson Naomi, the lyrics draw from experiences of disabling health events, housing insecurity, and other life altering challenges.

Payphones performed for the first time shortly before a pandemic hit. They subsequently spent two years in a basement, playing to an audience of one - a very good dog named Ruby - and ultimately refining enough tunes to record their debut studio album, with the help of a grant from the Edmonton Arts Council.

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released November 20, 2022

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Payphones Edmonton, Alberta

Payphones is an acoustic, alternative folk rock band from Edmonton, Alberta. Their music showcases intricately layered vocal harmonies, dynamic instrumental accompaniment, and emotional lyrics about queerness, relationships, isolation, disability, and personal growth. ... more

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